Unschooled Kids in the Hot Seat
We’re at the start of the season for get-togethers with friends and families.
While we may be a little nervous about it - or maybe totally confident - our kids may not be at the same spot.
That’s what I want to talk with you about this week, What to Do when our KIDS are in the hot seat.
At first, I was thinking, what do I possibly have to add to my collection of resources for helping people gear up for holiday get-togethers? I sent a big list to my email subscribers over the weekend - podcasts, blogposts, and even a video I had done on the topic! I've included these all here too.
We’ve all been there - even those longtime unschoolers can remember that discomfort that many of us feel when we have to leave our little bubble and interact with friends and family who probably see our choices as pretty weird.
We have to think about...
"How much do I say?"
"How do I get out of the Hot Seat?"
"Are they just being defensive? Or are they really curious?"
All good questions! I have resources to help you with these conversations or thoughts you may be having.
The Unschooling Guide: Critics and Naysayers has a ton of information in it for only $15. It’s in the shop at the UnschoolingMom2Mom.com website:
But one of the things that comes up in my membership group - because that’s where we really get down to the details about, “yeah but how? Specifically.” We talk about the kids. What do we do to help THEM cope with any pressure that might get put on THEM? After all, this probably wasn’t THEIR decision. And they’re not online, joining membership groups or reading blogposts about unschooling. All THEY know is that not many of their friends or cousins do this, but they’re having fun.
Realistically, though, they may hear the criticisms, like:
- You’re not sitting on that computer all day, are you?
- You’re actually LEARNING something, right?
- How late do you stay up? Or how late do sleep in?
And while many kids are comfortable with saying,
“Yeah, whatever,”
many more may be caught like deer in headlights.
“Ummm… Mom??”
And to be honest, lots of kids - if they feel panicky - may throw you under the bus (excuse the pun).
“Yeah, Mom! Why aren’t you teaching me anything?”
Ughh... then it because the Hot Potoato game, and they’ve tossed it to you! 😲
So, as with all unschooling scenarios, a little prepwork goes a long way when it comes to creating a successful outcome.
Before we dive into these suggestions, know that I have a
Black Friday Sale going on NOW! The
Jumping Into Unschooling course and the
Learning Math without Curriculum Course are HALF off! I promise it’s not fluff - it’s loaded with information that will help you TODAY. Doing these courses now, may help you be able to articulate some of the responses yourself, when it comes to questioning relatives and friends. Don’t miss out - I’m doing the Black Friday sale all week.
OK, let’s think about the kinds of things that are usually asked - and how kids could respond. You can either have them listen to this part of the podcast, or talk about these things with them. The blogpost has it all written out for you over at Unschooling Mom2Mom.com.
So how about...
"What grade are you in now?"
Either figure out what the typical grade is for their age and tell them. They can use that.
Or they can say,
“Well, I’m actually doing a lot of different things from different grade levels. I’m not just stuck in ___ (4th grade stuff - or whatever grade matches their age)
"What’s your favorite subject?"
Help them think about the things they enjoy. What subjects correlate with that? Think about the most progressive classroom - they may offer these activities to enrich their subject. Your kids are just sticking with the Enrichment Activities. 😉
A few possibilities:
- Minecraft/video Games - Technology, Computer Science are your favorite subjects.
- Reading at night with parents - Language arts
- Lego or building things - Math and engineering
- Outside Playtime/Nature - Science
- Museums, Documentaries - History
- Travel - Geography or other cultures
Think of the apps they play... is it mathy? Sorting and sequencing?
Or expanding vocabulary?
Or learning more critical thinking skills?
That might tell you their "favorite subject."
About Those Tougher Questions
Then if we get to the harder questions like...
"Aren’t you worried about . . . ?"
Is always going to get a:
“No, not really.”
They could even add in,
“I trust my mom/dad. They know what they’re doing.”
When people persisted, I told my kids they could always say,
“Ohhh.. that kind of question. Yeah, Mom said to take it up with her if that came up.”
Then they have permission to skip away. No one was disrespectful and the Questioning Adult is made aware that you and your family have been discussing them! Sometimes that takes them offguard and is enough to have them let it go.
But if it's something they want to address:
What do you think about College?
Are you preparing for it?
The answer can be,
"yes."
or
"not yet." said with confidence.
or, "I'm not sure that's the path I'm going to take. When I'm more certain about my career choice, then I'll know. But yes, I'll be ready."
How's Dating going?
"Do you ask everyone my age that? Do you remember being a teen? Can we change the subject, please?"
OK, But friends. Do you have any?
"I'm good, thanks."
"Who has ENOUGH friends? I'm always up for meeting new people."
"People always worry about that! But I meet people when I'm out doing things in the world."
"I didn't have any real friends when I was in school - so... I don't worry about that."
My book, Homeschooled Teens: 75 Young People Speak about Life Without School, has all sorts of answers from ACTUAL teens and young adults who have been responding to these kinds of questions for decades. More about my book below.
Important Reminders
The other things to mention to the kids, just so they know YOU’ve thought about it, and it puts it in the front of their minds...
- I know it seems like all you do is play. But what I’ve learned is that children learn so much from play. Then think of a couple of real life examples of this. If you and your kid are listening to this podcast right now, pause it and talk about some examples. Did they learn to read (or read better) from playing videogames? They certainly learned about strategies and coin economies - which is geography and math. I have more examples of how kids learn through play at this blogpost, which was
Podcast #76: When All They Want to Do is Play
- Sometimes people question those who do things differently because they feel defensive. Like maybe they’re thinking your choice implies that you think they’re wrong for making a different choice. That’s not how we feel. Every family gets to choose what’s best for them. This is what we’ve chosen for us.
- Schools encourage competition, so that idea of “Who’s smarter than who?” may pop up. The best answer is just to say, “I don’t really care about that. Do we have to talk about school stuff on your holiday time off? Let’s play!”
- You don’t have to use the word Unschooling.
Some families resist terminology that sound idks..., a little too radical.
So skip it. Other ways to say it: - We take a hands-on approach
- The whole world is our classroom
- We learn through life experiences
- We’re all about exploring - a learning adventure!
Or if they feel like it, they can say, “We do this thing called Unschooling. It’s cool. We learn a lot.”
Remind them that if they ever have questions about what’s going on, they can ask. It won’t mean that you immediately pivot, shift gears, and set up a school day for them. Maybe they wonder if they’re doing enough Math. (that Math course I have will REALLY help with this!) Or maybe it’s science and you could get some kits or go to a museum. Remind them that this technique of homeschooling is about partnering WITH them, helping them find what THEY want to learn. They may not know, so that’s where you come in. But they may have questions - and they deserve answers.
In my book,
Homeschooled Teens, one of the grown unschoolers said that when she started unschooling her own kids, she asked her mom,
“Did you know about unschooling back then?”
The mom said, “What do you think we were doing?”
The Grown Unschooler said,
“I just didn’t want to rock the boat. But honestly, I thought you gave up on me because I resisted all that homeschooling curriculum.”
Mom/Now Grandma said,
“Why do you think I kept taking you behind the scenes at the vet office or the museums or the projects we did around the house all the time? It was deliberate.”
And the kid (now in her 30s) said,
“Oh. I didn’t count those.”
What this told me, is that sometimes we have to explain a little about what’s going on with the kids. They may SEEM uninterested, but they may need to have some of these little facts about why we’ve chosen what we have for them.
So hopefully this will help you as you move into the season where we spend more time with family and friends who are still happily choosing school - or have some concerns about why you’re doing what you’re doing.
Remind them that you want to enjoy the holiday time.
If questions come at the table when all of the family is gathered, go ahead and say,
“I'd love to tell you more. But I don’t want to do that right here. Let’s talk about something else. Tell me about that trip you’re planning...”
Or whatever else shifts the conversation to something lighter that won’t make people uncomfortable.
Kids need a little help navigating these scenarios too... so hopefully this will make it easier for everyone.
A Few More for you...
