I Went to School and I'm Fine - are you though?
"I went to school and I’m fine!"
Have you heard people say that?
They say it about the educational option they grew up with - but also about some parenting choices that are… seen differently now days.
When I first started this podcast I fell down that rabbit hole of all the disciplinary techniques that used to be totally acceptable and now would be considered abusive. Yet even though people SURVIVED those experiences, they duplicate them.
Why? Because it’s familiar. And when we have a lot of self-doubt or we’re rushed, we fall back on past patterns.
Sometimes it’s a knee-jerk thing. Those responses are pretty easily overcome:
Slowing down, finding out about alternatives, countering those stories in our heads that make us panic.
Sometimes when people say,
“Hey, it happened to me and I’m fine,” it’s one of those non-thinking comments.
They’ve heard it and they simply repeat it because a fraction of it seems logical.
But what they need is information to counter that.
And - although I took the long way to get here - this is today's podcast topic.
What do you say to these people who say they were fine after their school experience?
What do you say to yourself if you are holding a couple of thoughts in your own head?
Hello there!
I’m Sue Patterson and this the the
Unschooling Mom2Mom podcast.
If you’re new around here,
I help parents figure out what to do when school
(or the traditional homeschooling approach)
doesn’t work.
You really don't have to duplicate school
and I have all kinds of tools to help you see how unschooling could be just the option you need.
I even have a
Free 7-Day Challenge to help you
get a good start with your unschooling adventure.
Everything you need is over at the Unschooling Mom2Mom website.
But since I try to keep these short, let’s dive into that statement of “turning out fine.”
First, why do they say it?
It seems that humans have a tendency to want to maintain the status quo. It feels safe. And biologically, that’s what our most basic instincts are about - keeping us safe. They’ve made it through this scary world, so following behind on THEIR path, doing it THEIR way, is what they recommend. They’re still alive, so obviously that’s the way to go right?
Sometimes underneath those comments is a defensiveness, maybe even some shame.
These people take the step over to the side and think (maybe even subconsciously),
Are you judging me?
Are you judging my choices? My parents choices?
Maybe that feels like a betrayal to everything that they thought HELPED them get to where they are now.
For me, when I think of these ideas, I feel more compassion for these people. They have a lot of layers keeping them playing small. They lack the confidence to have a sense of adventure. They may even struggle to find the joy in life. From a Maslow hierarchy perspective, they’re still down at the lower end of the pyramid.
But often we need some replies, right?
How about:
“We want better than ‘fine’”
Or
“We are trying to set the bar a little higher than that.”
“Everyone’s experience wasn’t ‘fine’ though. I want more options for my child.”
Depending on who the person is… because remember, that’s how you determine how much of a response you’re going to give. Don’t waste time and energy explaining to people who either aren’t going to change their mind or aren’t really important in your life.
And… if you find yourself doing that, you might want to unpack a little about why that is. Maybe you’re searching for approval or feeling defensive?
And that’s understandable too!
Because - between me and you - a lot of people (maybe even most people who went to school are NOT fine.
If they’re really honest with themselves, they have to overcome all sorts of maladaptive behaviors or thoughts and ideas that were CREATED by that school experience. In spite of the impression we were given, that school experience was not like real life at all! We learned that after we left.
I shared a meme about responding the question of being find after their school experience. I’ll put it at the blog. Then someone in the
Facebook group said they felt another meme coming about NOT being fine.
And, well, you know me. I had more to say than just what could go in a meme!
You're Not Fine
I want us to get specific.
Let’s look at ways people are NOT fine from spending 12 years in a system that rewards conformity and competition over innovation and collaboration.
- People pleasing - one of the biggest things we carry with us is this desire for approval. From people in charge, from our peers, from strangers! We want to be liked. Whether this comes from an over emphasis on popularity or all the grading and gold stars, I don’t know. But it sure fed into it.
- Fear of Not Conforming. Probably because we saw the punishment doled out to those who dared to step out of line. Detentions, humiliation - all ways to keep the system running smoothly. Because that was always the bottom line.
- A Nation of people with Math Phobia. Everyone thinks they're bad at math. Not everyone, but the majority of us. So many mathematicians have written about how the techniques used in school for teaching math are NOT the best ways to help someone learn it at all. And because we exited 12 years of math “education” with a pretty poor understanding of math - we assume it’s OUR FAULT! We let them imply or outright say, “we’re just no good at math!” And nobody stops to question that the METHOD was no good. The APPROACH was bad. We let them convince us to internalize it all… then we graduated with a sense of relief that we got through it but without any confidence in our ability to do anything numerical.
- Overly Focused on Reading.
In a nation with an obsession with reading and learning to read, many of us shied away from reading for years - decades for me - before we could come back to it and actually enjoy it.
- Lost after Graduation. So many of us Flounder when we’re out of school because, for all those years, our lives were seriously micromanaged. We weren’t given a lot of opportunities to make choices, so we’re not that comfortable with that. And adding on our People pleasing habit, we are desperately running around looking for approval! And that leads me to
- Fear of Failure/Mistakes. Our overwhelming fear of failure that we bring forward into adulthood. Because schools told us there’s only one right answer, that could be downright paralyzing. Making mistakes wasn’t seen as simply a way to gather more data, a way to see where the edges were. It felt like the end of the world!!
- Waiting to be Told What to Do.
Because we were always told to rely on the authority figure - for answers, approval, directions - we didn’t develop confidence in ourselves. We were told we were "lacking initiative," but compliance was rewarded in school, not initiative.
- Bullying - Kids and Adults in Charge. The bullying that happens at school is rampant and that seems to carry over into adult lives too. One look at Facebook and we can see examples of parents bullying their children under the umbrella of “teaching them a lesson” or “teaching them to have respect” Bullying doesn’t do either of those things! We spend a lot of time talking about the bullying that happens between kids - and it’s there for sure. But often it’s modeled and rewarded by the adults in the kids’ lives. And that includes the teachers in the school. Humiliating statements like, “no one gets recess and you can all blame Johnny.” I’m sure if you pause for a minute, you might remember other techniques that teachers used classroom behavior management that were actually bullying. So when that’s what we see for 12 years, it’s seeps into our psyche.
- Learning is NOT Separate from Life. And from an unschooling perspective, something I spend a lot of time helping parents overcome is the belief that Learning is separate from Living. Or that Learning is hard and play is fluff.
I know a lot of people will write to me to say,
“Why are you hating on school so badly?”
Facts are Facts
I don’t really hate on school. Actually, my grandson goes to school and I even volunteered to be a Lunch Room Lady there last year! Maybe this year I can move up to work in the library! But that’s not the point.
For MY kids, I chose not to send them to school. I could see inklings of all these things. And after 25 years, the pitfalls of school have become even clearer to me. People make choices based upon their own life experiences and the things that they see. I don’t drive around with banners on my car saying
"Rescue the Kids!" and "Schools are horrible places!"
But I’m not going to pretend that these things don’t exist, just to keep everyone happy.
Just to keep the status quo and the system moving smoothly.
My guess is that some of you are still struggling with leftover school conditioning - and so are those people who say they’re "fine." We just have a different definition of what FINE really is, right?
That’s enough for now. I’ll be back with another Unschooling Mom2Mom podcast next week - so like/share/subscribe. Let me know what you think below in the comments.
Enjoy your kids - have a good week!
~Sue
