When Moms Feel Discouraged

Sue Patterson
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Transcript:
Welcome to the Unschooling Mom2Mom podcast!

I’m Sue Patterson, your host here bringing you your weekly quick Unschooling Peptalk. 


 If you’ve been feeling a little discouraged lately—wondering if you’re doing this unschooling thing “right” or if you’re somehow being irresponsible for not replicating a school-like structure at home—I want you to know, you are NOT alone. So many moms wrestle with these same feelings, and today, I want to give you some reassurance and encouragement to help you move forward with confidence.


And—just a little hint—I have something special happening on my birthday this Thursday!

So stick around if you’ve been thinking about joining our private membership at a reduced price.

Is It Normal to Feel This Way?

Here’s what someone wrote to me:
“Is it normal to feel like an irresponsible parent for not having structure and schedule like a normal public school format?”


Absolutely! Society is incredibly judgey about how we mother our kids. It’s like we’ve all been thrown into some giant competition—who’s the busiest, the most exhausted, the most self-sacrificing. The “overworked mom” has somehow become this badge of honor. No wonder we feel like we’re floundering when we step outside of that mold!



But here’s what I want you to hear loud and clear: You do not have to earn exhaustion points to be a good mom. You don’t need anyone’s approval to build the life that works for YOUR family. Unschooling is about embracing a new way of thinking, and sometimes that means shaking off the old expectations that were never really serving us in the first place.


Take Charge of Your Life

One of the first hurdles unschooling parents face is standing firm in their choices. Maybe you still feel like you need permission—from your parents, your in-laws, your friends, or even that little voice in your head that tells you, “This isn’t how I was raised.” Maybe you haven’t broken free from some of those family roles you’ve outgrown. 


But here’s the truth: You are the grown-up now. You get to decide what works for your family. That doesn’t mean it’s always easy. It takes time to feel solid in your choices and certainly no one really talked about HOW to learn to stand on your own two feet. Maybe you’ve even gotten into a bit of a rut because it was just EASIER to agree with everyone than stand up to them. But talking with other unschooling parents who’ve been there can make a world of difference. We all have to figure this out - it’s nice to not have to do that all by yourself.


Your Kids Need You to Be Their Advocate

Because if you’re waiting for approval, it may never come. 

Waiting for approval? It may never come. And you don’t want to waste a single day of your child’s childhood waiting for validation from people who don’t see the full picture. Your kids need YOU to be the person who trusts in their unique journey and stands up for what feels right for your family.

And I know, that can be hard to do. But your own child needing you to step up might be the catalyst you need, to break free from the dutiful daughter or compliant schoolgirl roles. Seeing that
you are the person there to protect your child may be the incentive you need to get through the hard part.


You may have to give yourself permission to and approval to do what’s resonating with you - what’s best for YOUR child.


Learn More About Parenting—It’s Always Evolving

Parenting isn’t about having all the answers from day one. It’s about being open to learning and growing alongside your kids. Even with my grown children (who are all now in their 30s!), I’m still learning and adjusting how I support them. The same will be true for you.


One of the biggest shifts in unschooling is learning to trust your child’s learning process. That means listening—really listening—to what they need. Sometimes, our old habits and beliefs want to jump in and take over, but when we pause and connect, we build something so much more powerful: trust.


And trust is the foundation for everything. The more connected you are with them, the more data you’ll actually gain about what’s going on with them. You’ll see or hear the progress. And you won’t feel that panicky feeling to get in there and run the show. 


You’re a Family, Not a System

I hear moms say all the time, “We have no structure! Should I be worried?” And I always say—don’t think of it that way. Instead, ask yourself, “Do we have a rhythm that works for us?” Families ebb and flow, but school systems are rigid. You’re not running a system. You’re nurturing a family, and the beauty of unschooling is that you can shift and adjust whenever you need to.

Think about what successful classrooms do—good teachers try to connect with students, make the space feel cozy, and create a relaxed atmosphere for learning. Schools are trying to mimic home because they know learning happens when kids feel comfortable and valued. But here’s the thing—you already have that naturally! And you can take it even further because you’re not managing a classroom of 25 kids. You can truly individualize learning and pivot as needed.


Schools have to move entire classrooms from Point A to Point B, keeping the system running no matter what the individual learners need. Change happens slowly because it requires approvals and bureaucratic processes. But parents don’t have those barriers. You have the freedom to adjust, evolve, and meet your child’s needs in real-time. It may not feel familiar, but trust me, it’s so much better.



Seasons Change—And So Do Our Kids

What worked for your child a few months ago might not work today—and that’s okay! Growth and change are part of the process. The good news? You’re not stuck. You get to adapt, to be flexible, and to create an environment where learning naturally unfolds.


Nature reminds us of this rhythm, too. Just as the seasons change, so do our children’s needs and interests. Learning doesn’t have to look the same all year long—winter invites coziness and reflection, while summer sparks adventure and exploration. If you’re looking for ways to align your unschooling with the natural rhythms of the year, my Seasonal Unschooling Guides are full of ideas and tips to help you create meaningful, seasonally-inspired learning experiences.


You Are NOT Alone

Even though the mainstream world may not understand unschooling, you are far from alone. There are so many families raising kids this way, and they are thriving! If you need to hear stories from grown unschoolers, I’ve got plenty to share. You could grab my book, Homeschooled Teens.  I interviewed 75 young people who didn't go to high school. Listen to what these 75 young people say when I asked them questions about not going to high school - it's a really reassuring read.


And if you’re looking for real-time support—people who “get it” and can walk alongside you—I want to invite you into our private membership.


Big Birthday Flash Sale—This Thursday!


I don’t usually do this, but because it’s my birthday, I’m slashing the price of our membership for a short time. It’s a chance to jump in, connect with other unschooling moms, and get the support you need without feeling like you’re doing this alone. So, if you’ve been on the fence, mark your calendar for Thursday!



Unschooling Support All Year! YES!

Actually...
if you've read along this far, you can have early access to this special deal.
I know how busy life can get, and you might want it, but not get back to it!!!!

Remember, you are more than enough for your kids. You don’t have to do this perfectly—you just have to show up with love, curiosity, and a willingness to grow. And I promise, that is enough - it’s actually a lot!


Until next time, take a deep breath, trust yourself, and enjoy the journey. Prioritizing your kids, their learning, their childhood, and your connection with them—that’s what’s truly amazing. Most people don’t do that. But you do.




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Unschooling Red Flags January Signals You Shouldn’t Ignore Quite a few people didn’t send their kids back to school after the holiday break! For some, this is brand new. Fall didn’t go well and they’re just going to sit this one out. I get that. Others are continuing with what they’ve been doing. They weren’t in school last semester and they’re not going this semester either. And then some - a lot of you, from what I can tell - are inching more toward unschooling. Maybe you tried a modified homeschooling effort before the holidays, but it wasn’t great. Today I want to talk about Red Flags. And I want to encourage you not to ignore them! Ok! Whether you’re just here for a little inspiration (your weekly unschooling peptalk!) or it’s all new and you’re kinda nervous - I’m glad you’re here! I’m Sue Patterson, your host here on these Unschooling Mom2Mom podcasts. My kids are all grown - all in their 30s now - and I’m circling back to let you know that unschooling really does work. Door won’t close because you choose this unconventional path. You may have questions or worries - and that’s what I try to tackle here in the podcast. And then if you want to dive deeper or get more support, I have courses, and guides, ebooks and calendars. I do private coaching and have a FABULOUS membership group where you can talk with other parents on this path too. I’ll put links to all of this in the notes for you. We all go through different phases when we’re on this unschooling journey. Some are harder, some are easier. It’s one of the reasons I do this podcast. I want you to know that it’s worth it. It’s worth plowing through the confusion or even the criticism. Maybe your kids aren’t acting the way you thought they would. It’s a process for them too, you know. I always tell my membership group that parents have to undo all that schooled conditioning, all those ideas of what’s legit learning and what’s not, all those People Pleasing traits we picked up along the way. And the kids… they have to figure out how to handle all this freedom. And, let’s face it. We’re all human. And most of us, don’t get things right on the first pass. We inch along, a few steps forward, a few steps back… but when we stay with it, we make progress. So that’s what I want to help you do now. It’s January. A New Year. And a few of the questions are popping up: Especially, How are they learning what they need to know? It’s a bit of a loaded question… because sometimes, when we ask this, we already have a pre-set idea of what THINK they need to know. The Basics, right? Or some particular subject? And then, interestingly, we seem to move the goalposts as the kids master these things. Like, now they can read, but can they write? Or now they can divide up their cookies evenly, but what about their times tables… or even Algebra? Because then, as they get into the teen years, we have new goals, right? As I was talking on this week’s coaching call in my membership group, I was mentioning Red Flags. Because even if we have been unschooling a while, these little red flags pop up. Like “Are they learning enough?” “Are they behind other kids their age?” Am I Doing enough?” These are examples of red flags for you. It’s not the checkered flag that’s giving you the signal to push more on your kid or up the ante a little, or Go Go Go!. It’s your red flag telling you something is off. Truth is, you already know that. You feel it. It’s your nudge to do a little more deschooling. Or at LEAST bring these worries out into the open so you can look at them clearly. Where DO these fears come from? Are they based in facts or based in those feelings of familiarity? Because familiarity does not necessarily mean Truth. It just means you’ve heard it or thought it a lot - often enough that it FEELS familiar. But it really may not be the truth. That’s why shining the light to see - do I feel defensive about it? Justified? Have I thought it through with this unschooling lens, so to speak? Could they learn it later? Is the timing truly significant? Do others learn it later and they turn out ok? That’s why it helps to have a community of Unschoolers to bounce these ideas around with. You MAY stick with the original idea - but it will be deliberate and intentional. And if you’re only around mainstream people or traditional homeschoolers, it’s very possible that they’ll just reinforce the fear because THEY’d prefer that you get back into the conforming mode. They have a lot of reasons to do this - and it’s not always because it’s what’s best for YOUR child. That’s why it helps to strengthen your ideas about all of this. You don’t want to just blow whichever way the strongest wind blows. You want to make good solid choices that fit YOUR child. What would some other red flags be? If you are either feeling like my kid's not motivated, my kid's not doing anything, my kid doesn’t know math - or history or science… That's a red flag. If you think, I'm overwhelmed. Why are they asking so much of me? Nobody appreciates me. I’m feeling disengaged. That's a red flag. If you are thinking, the neighbor's kid is National Honor Society and my kid doesn't even know how to set up a division problem. Or, we just need more structure, this is too chaotic. More red flags. So what are yours? They’re not insurmountable. And, actually, Red Flags are helpful. They let you know what you need to work on. They’re your guideposts for what you need to tackle next. Identifying them is the first step. You can do it in a DIY way - Identify the issues that are your Red Flags, and then search the podcasts or the YouTube playlists for these topics. When you go to the blog associated with it - or even the descriptions for those audios or videos, I have additional resources linked that can help you dive deeper. If DIY isn’t really your think, and you’d like a little more help so you can move through this more quickly, I help parents do this in the Creating Confidence Membership group - and I have a lot of tools to help with this. You can always join us. And remember, podcast listeners and YouTUbe subscribers don’t have to pay the sign up fee. Just month-by-month. I’ll link to that too, because it may be a good time for you to get more help. I think I know a lot of the red flags, because I've probably had them all. Or I've certainly seen them all. I've definitely seen a variety of ways people can red flag themselves into a darn near panic attack. So don’t look away. They usually don’t resolve themselves and you deserve to have kinder voices in your head. If yours is particularly obnoxious, it’s important to look closely at the specifics. This will be the only way to know if the voices are right, or just nagging. Maybe it’s People Pleasing or Perfectionist traits that you need to dismantle. It’s important to do this, because it’s going to prevent you from having any Joy or enjoyment in these adventures. But also because your kids are watching how you cope… you may have removed them from the school setting, but did you bring home some of these attitudes YOU learned in school about performance and measuring or comparing, criticism and disappointment? Let’s get this out of the equation so you can assess the situation more accurately. So when you have a lot of fears popping up, see them as the red flags that they are. And take some Steps to work through them. Think about whether you really believe what you’re hearing, or is it someone else’s take on things? Can you think of any examples where this thought isn’t true? Specific examples. Then it’s time to do a little rewiring to stop that thought process. Do something that will interrupt the flow. Go for a walk outside. Listen to some music. Put on some headphones. These kinds of activities can stop you from spiraling into more negative self-talk. I have a lot more ideas as well as examples of Red Flags in the membership group - if this feels like something you’d like to work on. There are also 2 Guides that might be helpful: One is called “Am I Doing Enough” and the other is “Deschooling.” Both really good options. They’re still available in the shop for a couple more months, but they’re always in the Membership resources. So... Red Flags. Let’s learn to look for them. And make some changes so we don’t have to live with these worries. Wouldn’t it be nice to stop all the second-guessing? I remember that phase so well! Feel free to let me know how you’re doing with this over in the Facebook Group. I’ll post the link to this podcast and we can talk about it there! Tell me what YOUR Red Flags are and how you’re working through them. You can do this. I’m over here rooting for you! So learn more about unschooling and deschooling, get the support you need -including self-care, and, most importantly, connect with your kids! Have a great week and I’ll be back to talk with you again soon.
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