When Dad Is Anti-Unschooling
➜ Tips if Your Spouse isn’t an Unschooling Fan ...yet! 😉
It’s pretty common for one spouse to be MORE onboard with unschooling than the other.
You’re excited and they’re unsure, right? 🤷🏻♀️
Here’s how to start bridging the gap!
📲 Tip 1: Share Small Wins
Show them the magic in the everyday! Text a funny moment from the day or share something your child surprised you by knowing - how did they learn that?😄 These small glimpses can really highlight the beauty of learning together.
💡Tip 2: Drop Helpful Hints
Instead of a pile of articles, try sending one short, interesting snippet that addresses their biggest worry. Or, share a podcast you love while driving or doing chores together! How do they like to get their information?
🤔 Tip 3: Ease Their Worries
Many partners worry about social norms or academic gaps. Let’s get them some examples of unschooled kids thriving. Real stories and experiences can help them see how learning unfolds naturally. Find out what they’re REALLY worried about. You can help them unpack that.
SOLUTIONS!
👩🏼💻 I have all kinds of paid and free tools to help you do this! You don’t have to figure this out all by yourself. 🗄🎙🎥☎️
Podcasts
- When Dad's Not Onboard with Unschooling
- Unschooling Criticism from Friends and Family
- The Pros and Cons of Unschooling
- Unschooling Offers Benefits for Parents!
- What about Parenting... as Unschoolers?
- I went to school and I'm "Fine"
- How to Unschool Math Without Curriculum
- When Grandparents are Anti-Unschooling
- How do Unschoolers Learn School Subjects?
- How Will I Know if Unschooling Isn't Working?
- Understanding the Benefits of Unschooling - for Friends/Family
📗 Unschooling Guide: Critics & Naysayers
With an entire section devoted to the reluctant spouse, this guide offers inspiration, worksheets, and resources to walk you through!
I can help you find out what's at the heart of his worries. Or maybe he needs to hear from other dads who have done this and the kids are grown - or are in the middle of it now, but comfortable and unworried.
Articles, videos, podcasts, and articles are included.
📘Homeschooled Teens (Book)
75 young people respond to the top 20 questions parents have about what it’s like to be a teen who doesn’t go to school.
Are you/they worried about your children getting into college, making friends, or having a full, rich life?
Do questions like these pop up?
- Would they miss the various activities associated with adolescence?
- Will this choice to homeschool close doors for my teen?
- Will I be warping them somehow?
- Will they hate me later down the road?
Find out about:
- What can “unique learning paths” actually look like?
- What was their social life like?
- How were their family relationships?
- What advantages did they find?
- Did they go to college?
- What kinds of careers did they choose?
- What words of advice do they have for parents?
- What are they doing now?
- And much more!
💞 Membership Community
💻 We’re doing a challenge in the membership group, “Coping with Critics” and I created exactly what YOU need to help your spouse get over this hurdle! You don’t have to go searching for podcasts, videos, and worksheets - I’ve done it for you!Plus a community of unschooling parents who’ve done it themselves - even a few dads!
🫶💪😃
Podcast Transcript
Let's talk a bit about dads who aren't that crazy about unschooling. Sometimes we tend to drag them along begrudgingly. Maybe a little muttering in opposition - or maybe it's a downright
"Are you out of your mind??"
Maybe dad is anti-unschooling altogether!
And yes, occasionally the dad is pro-unschooling and the mom is dragging her feet. But 90% of the time, it's the mom who likes it and the dad who is resistant. All of the information I've collected for you is applicable either way. But for this, I'm going to go with the majority and talk about reluctant dads.
Let's look at what's going on, and how we can handle it.
They’re his kids too.
First, the obvious acknowledgement: They’re his kids too.
He may have been fine with you taking the lead with regards to child care - but that was when most of the decisions were pretty conventional. But now, you seemed to have veered off the path - and he's not sure what that's all about.
Your Growth Doesn't Match His Growth
You've been reading, researching, absorbing... and he hasn't. You’ve joined groups, read blogs, and frankly you LOVE the idea of unschooling. When you eagerly share what you’ve found, he pokes holes in the idea and is not convinced. You may still be new at all of this. You’re enthusiastic - but not necessarily knowledgeable about all the questions he wants answers to.
And, yes, I know. That can feel disappointing. We want our spouse to be as gung ho about our ideas as we are! Well… I guess that’s another Life Lesson. I’ve been married over 30 years, and I have to tell you, we do not always see eye-to-eye! But we listen to each other. And we find the common ground. And that, of course, is a good starting place.
Because you’ve been exploring all the resources, you’ve conquered some of your own initial fears. He’s not there yet. Remember that when we are fearful, we tend to want to try to control the situation. That’s human nature.
What to Do:
Identify the fears.
Specifically. What is he worried about? Some of his concerns may seem shallow or irrational to you, now that you’re further along. But that’s ok. He is worried about the future of his own offspring! He deserves to be heard. (And isn’t that what all of us want anyway? Just to be heard!)
The workbook in the links will help you get to the bottom of the fears.
[This podcast was originally recorded for membership/subscribers. They received a workbook to dive deeper. It's still available if you'd like to join the membership and have access!]
And you can always come back to me if he wants to know things like:
How will he ever play sports? Maybe that was how he learned about teamwork!
Will he be bullied for being “An Outlier?”
How will he get into college?
Maybe he has other misconceptions that need to be cleared up.
Here’s a tip for Arguing 101
Don’t quickly jump in with your rebuttal.
Give him time to say all of what he has to say.
Then it’s best to be on the same side - not adversaries.
“I agree! I was worried about that too. But I read that...”
“I’ll see what I can find about that and get back to you.”
Remember too, you can always use that concept of
“Let’s try it as an experiment. Not a forever commitment. Let’s see how it goes.”
As he sees kids learning, making friends, enjoying their lives, he may begin to feel better about it all.
Helping to facilitate that kind of connection will go a long way. It will help the kids feel closer to the parent that's gone all day (and vice versa) and it will help the parent engage in interactions that SHOW how bright and curious the kids are.
It all boils down to fear, doesn’t it? ... always.
Look at what you can do to minimize it or throw a little light on it.
Know that lots of unschooling families start out this way - so don't worry that this isn't going to work before you've even begun! Time is going to help you.
Help dad by including him, listening to him. He loves the kids. And he loves you.
It’s worth the time it takes to figure out where the obstacles are and how to get past them.
So hopefully that helps you a little bit.
Do You Need More Support?
At least once a week, I hear from parents whose spouse is not on board with unschooling. Many of these parents are in the Creating Confidence Membership group. It helps to have others around us who can help us figure out how to tackle our own fears AND help our spouse overcome theirs!
The membership group offers weekly group coaching, a private supportive unschooling community, and a membership portal to a library full of resources to help you on your unschooling journey.
The support you need to be successful!
Spouses Disliking Unschooling
This is an issue that comes up all too often.
➤ Sometimes the answer is that they need more information.
➤ Sometimes an added layer of power struggle between the parents emerges.
➤ But often, their desire to return to a traditional schooling approach is because you were floundering and they wanted to swoop in and fix things - the only way they know how.
So it’s complicated and nuanced.
