Lean Into the Love: An Unschooling Mom Looks Back

Parents with children older than mine would look at me when I expressed concerns and say,

"Don't worry," or "They'll figure it out."

Sometimes they'd tack on, "Just have fun with them."

They were so right. And I LOVE that they were!

I worried about gaps. I worried about getting into college, or whatever higher learning they'd want to pursue. I didn't want doors to close on them - I wanted them to have all the choices in the world.  And in spite of my lapses in trust, or my occasional meltdowns about facts, they did have every opportunity they wanted.

After a (mostly) radical way of unschooling our lives, they have been able to pursue whatever they want.

Michael did go to college, graduating Magna Cum Laude. He had never written a term paper or book report, and he ended up with a degree in Journalism. The real reason he pressed hard to go to college was that he wanted to join the Peace Corps, and they required a bachelor's degree. When I originally wrote this, he was teaching English in Nicaragua...with the Peace Corps. He later married someone he met there, has an MBA, a house with a pool, 2 dogs... all the things.

Katie loved performing. It didn't matter where or what. She loved dance, and singing and acting. What started as singing in the mirror on the bathroom counter, progressed to backyard musicals with friends, 4H performances, community theater, commercials and movies. She didn't study spelling words or math facts and family members worried.
"What if she doesn't make it?"
"What if she puts all her eggs in one basket and fails?"

Katie once told me, "I have a plan. I don't want a Plan B. Putting any stock in a Plan B means you have doubts about your Plan A. And I have no room to have any doubts. If I ever need a Plan B, one will surface."
I love that about her. When I first wrote this, she had moved to New York and was studying Acting for Film at a Conservatory in Manhattan. She later transferred to Los Angeles, got her Associates Degree in Fine arts, acts, directs, produces - all aspects of film-making. She even married someone she meet on a show she was doing.

Alyssa always loved everything Pop: Make-up, music, fashion, gossip. While she was once passionate about animals, she shifted to more girly things when she got older. She has always been the kind of person that notices everyone's nuances in a room. She loves to be around people - ALL the time. She's very pretty, so people often came to her for advice on hair and make-up. After taking a year internship at a natural make-up store in Austin, she enrolled in a Vidal Sassoon Cosmetology program when I originally wrote this. She did graduate at 18, worked in a variety of salons and now owns her own. Stylists work for her and her salon is a huge success. She got married and divorced, and has my one and only grandchild! Lots can happen in 10 years, right?

Even though they're happily skipping along their own path now, I still wish I could take all the knowledge and experience I've accumulated, and parent with that. I know. No "Do-Overs" in Life. But we could have avoided some self-induced totally unnecessary stress if I had just trusted a little more, realized how resilient children really are, and kept my own disaster mind and negative "what-if's" from spilling over onto them.

I applaud those moms of babies who are reading and learning about unschooling BEFORE they need to know. So many of their school-induced thoughts about learning can be dealt with before their kids are even school age. To deschool themselves before they're in the thick of it will help so much. I didn't know any homeschooling, let alone unschooling, families the year before we decided to take the plunge. The idea that keeping your kids home to learn and live would actually be good for them - and not just an act of self-indulgence by a mom who couldn't let go - was not on my radar at all. I was a complete suburban soccer mom - although then it was T-ball and Tiger Cubs. I was surrounded by moms who were trying to find the right preschool or mother's day out. I only knew people who encouraged distance from children so they could go back to work or follow their own pursuits or just get a little sleep! No one talked to me back then about leaning into all these feelings that come with having children - the good and the bad. Because I'm not going to deny that sometimes I felt cheated out of my own time or my own career path or my own hobbies. Not often, but in weak moments, absolutely!

I'm hear to tell you to just lean into the LOVE.

Look at your babies and toddlers and children and teens.

See how they trust you.

See how they look to you for support.

See how you are their rock.

Please notice the math: You will probably live to be about 80. Your kids will need you as their sole support for maybe 20 years of that. That's only 25% of your life. Most likely you're over 20, so you've already spent the 1st 25%, kids are the next. That leaves 50% of your life to pursue whatever you want! And regardless of your first 20 years, if you REALLY focus on your children for the next 20, the second half of your life will be full of wonderful relationships with them as well as memories and plans for the future. It will be so much richer for focusing that one little 25% on them.

So here's my list of LOVE. Some of it I did well. Some of it, I wish I had done so much better. And if you're still raising little ones, you have such an opportunity to learn from our choices and have an even better experience at this.