Happy Father’s Day – from Unschooling Mom2Mom
Father's Day 2024:
Don't miss all the memes at the bottom of the page!
😂
Father’s Day Weekend 2024... (podcast transcript)
I was on a coaching call yesterday - I have a coach too! Several, actually. All based on the particular area where I need a little help! But I was talking with my group about a situation I’ve been seeing online within our homeschooling community. I shared a story I learned from my Dad. And with this being Father’s Day Weekend, I want you to know about it. You can use the lesson too. I love that even though my dad has been dead for over 30 years, his having walked on this earth may STILL be helping people! So stay with me, and I’ll share what made me even think of this.
I was talking on my group coaching call about these parents we’re all seeing.
Usually moms - refering to themselves as unschoolers or unschooling homeschoolers and then they go on to describe what their day looks like.
They all get up early (early to me - 7:30 or 8:00) They describe this very cheery morning:
They often have little morning baskets laid out for their kids to dive into while they’re fixing a big breakfast.
Then after they do that, they all do a few little chores, make their beds, brush their teeth, feed the dogs.
And then they “dive into their day.”
And here’s where it gets dicey to me.
They pull out some reading or math workbooks and everyone does their pages.
Maybe they switch over to another lesson before all going outside to a park or bikeride.
Then back to lunch and a couple more lessons before the kids are cut loose.
Terminology Confusion...
So my question is,
Why are they calling this unschooling?
It’s been really confusing to a lot of people. This is what traditional homeschoolers try to do - not unschoolers.
➡ Unschoolers don’t divide life up into subjects or lessons.
➡ Unschoolers don’t have a teacher-driven approach for guiding the kids through all the new materials.
➡ Unschoolers probably aren’t all waking up at the same time.
If this is working for you, fine.
But this example is often making other moms feel like they’re not doing enough or doing it right.
And that’s who I’m talking to today.
If you’ve seen these Instagram-worthy reels and photos of cooperative kids and you’re looking over at your own kids - and let’s just say it doesn’t look like that...
And instead of thinking,
“To each his own,”
You think -
"I’m lousy at this."
"I’m not organized enough or creative enough or smart enough."
OR.. you push over to blaming your kids:
"They’re not motivated enough,"
"They’re lazy,"
"They only want to be on their tablets" or whatever is their preference.
I want to jump up and wave my hands and say,
“stop.”
First of all - Instagram and Pinterest seldom share the truth. Not that it’s an actual LIE, but the staging and set-up required to get that shot… well it probably didn’t happen organically.
Don’t compare yourself to an Illusion.
Truly.
The reality is that houses are messes - we’re all living in them.
Things get spilled. Shoes are kicked off. Projects are left half-done. Dishes are in the sink - or all over the house.
And I know, someone is going to come on here and say,
“Not in my house. You’re not describing us at all.”
Don’t compare yourself to that person. They clearly have different priorities.
As unschoolers, your priorities are connection, diving into curiosities, learning about themselves - and yes, learning to pick after yourself is a good life skill. But it’s not more important than these other things.
Holding Onto the Side of the Pool
But I want to get back to my Father’s Day story. It came up because my own coaching clients have asked me, why are these moms calling themselves unschoolers when they’re not? Sure, maybe their kids have some limited choices or they toss in a lot more playtime than what you’d see in a typical school setting - but unschooling? Not really. Why do they want to muddy up the waters even more by calling it unschooling?
And one of the reasons is because they’re afraid to go all in.
In my family growing up, it was called Holding Onto the Side of the Pool.
To move up to the next swimming class level, I had to swim the length of the pool without stopping. So my dad would walk along the side while I swam. I could see his murky silhouette when I’d turn to take a breath.
And after a few strokes, I’d take a hold of the side and say,
“Did you say something?”
“No. Keep swimming.”
A few more strokes, same thing,
“What? I know you said something.”
“I did not. Let go and keep swimming.”
Eventually, I’d build up my strength and confidence and be able to get to the end of the pool.
But that scenario became the metaphor for whenever I was afraid to let go, or wasn’t trusting myself or the process.
My dad would say, “Are you holding onto the side of the pool again?”
Ahhh... Yes. I probably was.
It was familiar. Safe. I hadn’t put the time in to grown my Confidence muscles.
And that… is what I think these moms that do curriculum calling it unschooling are doing. They’re holding onto the side of the pool.
Sue's River Story...
My other analogy, that you may have heard me say is the one about crossing the river.
The school approach is on one side and I’m over here on the other side - the Unschooling Side of the River - shouting,
“It’s ok! You can do it! Keep paddling!”
But there are a few cozy little islands on the way over.
And sometimes, people pull their little rowboat up to those islands. Some people rest up and then get back in to keep going.
Others open a few folding chairs, set up camp there and never get all the way across the river.
Sure, it’s BETTER than the School Side of the river, but not as good as it is over here on the Unschooling side!
Real freedom. Real self-determination. Real confidence development.
So I think about these moms who want to call what they’re doing unschooling... I think they’re holding onto the side of the pool.
I think they’ve made a little banner for their Island and named it Unschooling.
It’s going to be up to the next wave of kayakers or row boaters to familiarize themselves with unschooling enough to look at what they’re doing and not be fooled. Because people can call anything they want, any term they want. That doesn’t mean we have to agree. Or even make them take down their sign.
When I was reaching for the side of the pool, I wanted to rest. I wanted my dad to be talking to me instead of finishing that lap. And the same goes for lots of people - they want those little islands to BE unschooling. Then they wouldn’t have to finish the journey. They could wrap it up right there!
And you can.
Because part of the journey is kind of easy. And the rest of it is all the internal unpacking you have to do. Quieting the voices in your head that tell you to get back in line or stop being a slacker or do as your told. All the voices we probably heard growing up and that we allow to live in our heads barking at us whenever our stories don’t match our realities.
That’s the harder part of the unschooling journey. Dealing with all of that.
And we do it because then we stop the cycle. We don’t push our stories off on our children.
We protect them from those voices in our heads - by dealing with it.
I have a lot of tools to help you do this. To help you let go of the side of the pool and get to where the real benefits of unschooling are. You can keep swimming and train yourself.
Or you can
hop on a coaching call with me or
join my membership group where I can show you how to let go of what isn’t really serving your or your kids anymore.
Maybe you have a great Father’s Day memory - or maybe you don’t. You can borrow mine.
Let go of the side of the pool.
Don’t let Fear prevent you from building the strength you and your kids need.
And don’t be distracted by those Pinterest-worthy “unschoolers” out there.
Learn more about unschooling and deschooling so you can recognize what it is... and what it isn’t.
I’d love to help you figure this out.
Happy Father’s Day Weekend! Hug a dad. Enjoy some BBQ. And I’ll be back to talk with you next week.
xo,
Sue
Father’s Day… and Unschooling
With Father’s Day around the corner, as Unschooling Mom2Mom, I thought we could give a nod to the dads. I know, all these manufactured greeting card holidays! And lots of unschooling families are single mom families - or all kinds of family configurations. So I don’t presume that everyone’s family looks alike.
And even in our family, my husband really didn’t like Father’s Day and the hoopla that went around it. He bought what he wanted for himself and didn’t need the kids or me to do it. It felt forced. And maybe his Love Language was not Gifts!
But some unschooling dads are the primary Unschooling parent - and that’s a very cool dynamic - to have dads actively involved in the day to day connections is great.
Some unschooling dads provide their support by going off to work and making sure there’s funding for the activities and supplies kids need to keep exploring and following curiosities.
Some dads wouldn’t really want to consider themselves “unschooling dads” - they’re not onboard ...yet.
They still have a lot of fears about this unschooling approach and haven’t devoted a lot of time to unpacking all of that.
I did a podcast, #13 When Dad’s Not Onboard with Unschooling.
If this is the scenario at your house, you may want to pop over to that podcast when this is done.
I included some specific things you could do to help the dad in your world feel more connected and overcome their fears. Because that’s what it’s usually all about, right? Being afraid they’re not going to “be successful” in life down the road. And, of course, everyone defines "successful" differently.
Or maybe they just haven’t given a lot of thought to this idea that society has moved away from the factory-style worker approach - and schools are still stuck in that framework. I think I mentioned this book last time, but I want to mention it again - it was a major eye-opener for one of the dads in my private membership group:
Most Likely to Succeed - Preparing our Kids for the Innovation Era.
If we can help dads feel more connected, they’ll SEE that the kids are learning all sorts of things. That may be the role unschooling moms have to take for a little while. Identifying and suggesting activities that would help the dads and kids connect more - and making time for that to happen. It doesn’t have to be some all-day hike. Maybe it’s a game night.
Or use those conversation cards I created - that could help give dad a little insight into how the kids are thinking:
Conversation Starter Cards
Sometimes dads don’t need us to swoop in and fix things - so many of us have a habit of doing this! But maybe we can give them time to find their way too. And maybe they’ll find something to connect on that we never even considered.
Talking about connection, communication and playing together might be useful. Just to bring it to the front of dad’s mind. Remind them that kids learn through play - and seeing that in action may help them understand what the next steps might be for connecting.
Just as we listen to our kids to see where we can help - that’s probably good to do with dads too. Don’t make the presumption that you know what’s going on in his head. Ask. Listen to the answer. Maybe you had that fear once too.
If you’d like to dive deeper in how to do this or ways other unschooling parents have connected when one is “into unschooling,” and the other isn’t yet, join us in the membership group. We can do that together - helping you brainstorm and maybe helping you see where the issue actually is.
I have a few great Dad memes - so I’ll put them below. (Be sure to click "View More" to see all 60!)
I’ve been including them at
Instagram and
Facebook.
And I’ll link to other articles about dads and unschooling - including one from my own husband. He didn’t actually WRITE it, but he dictated it to me. Our kids were nearly grown at the time and he listed all cool things he got to do with the kids that would never have happened if he had insisted on sending them to school. The essay was included in Skyler Collin’s book, Unschooling Dads - if you’d like to hear other dad perspectives!
Happy Father’s Day
...to all the dads out there supporting us and helping our kids have awesome childhoods!
Thank you!
And I’ll be back next week to talk with you all again!
